


Just Okay

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Convenient Group of Femslash Fics [16]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, allusions to Maria's history as an abuse survivor, bad joints, chronic pain issues, disability feels, kinda sad but it ends in wives being soft with each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9525809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: Sometimes, when someone is in pain, there is no option without consequences. No 'right' choice of what to say.Maria knows this.Sometimes, when someone is in pain, they say all the wrong things.Eliza knows this.But the important thing is figuring out what to do after.





	

Maria didn’t know what was more concerning-

Waking up alone, waking up to the sound of clattering, or the sound of her wife’s cursing.

Squinting, Maria checked the glowing screen of her phone, groaning at the time.

Scratch that, the most concerning thing was that it wasn’t even five yet. Something had to be wrong for Eliza to be up at four on a Sunday morning.

First things first. Cold air rushed over her when Maria wiggled out from beneath the covers. If it weren’t for her worry, she’d probably mutter a curse in Eliza’s direction. Sure, turning their thermostat during the night saved energy, but at what cost? Second came cracking her neck, pushing herself to sit and twisting, whining at the sound her back made.

Pathetic. Barely thirty and her body was already pulling this shit.

Not that she could complain. Not really. At least her body still worked, still did what she wanted it to. Maria took a deep breath, preparing herself for the shock of her feet touching the cold floor. Eliza insisted that she should give in and wear socks, but consider how cold the rest of her body was in the morning, Maria might as well go all in.

Headed to the bathroom next, comforted by the fact that the cursing had stopped. If Eliza needed help, she’d have called out by now.

Or at least, Maria would have hoped.

Sighed at the sight of Eliza rolling across the kitchen, carrying ingredients to the prep station she could barely reach sitting down. The frying pan on the stove didn’t bode well either.

“How bad is it?” 

Because Maria needed to know that before she chided.

Eliza’s shoulders jumped at the statement and she twisted in her rolling chair, looking sheepish. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Uh huh.” Maria did her best to keep her face neutral. Getting snippy wouldn’t make things better. “You only steal my office chair when you’re bored or hurting- and considering the hour I doubt you’re bored.”

“I’m fine,” Eliza insisted. “I just wanted to make breakfast. Is that a crime?”

Maria wanted to repeat herself. Ask how bad it was again, remind Eliza that she wasn’t blind, she knew when something was up. But Eliza trying to hide her pain had nothing to do with Maria and Maria knew that.

The same way Eliza knew that it had nothing to do with her when Maria had a bad week because of a traumaversary. 

This was just part of life for them.

It didn’t make it any less frustrating, though. Having to watch her wife struggle when Maria could easily do it-

“At least let me handle the stove part.” Trying to take over everything would be offensive, but that was a safety concern and hopefully Eliza would understand that. “And you could cut on the table, you know. It’s lower than the counter.”

Time dragged around Maria as Eliza stared at her, but finally, she nodded. Asked Maria to carry everything over to the table for her.

Maria resisted the urge to lean down and kiss Eliza’s head, knew the entire situation already had her feeling like a child. Which made what needed to come out of Maria’s mouth next even harder. “Do I need to put the chair in the shower?”

“I’ll be fine.” How many times had Maria heard that and found her lover crying on the bathroom floor? 

But four in the morning wasn’t the time to push such a thing, so Maria turned back to the task of helping with breakfast. Fixed them both a cup of coffee while Eliza chopped mushrooms and spinach to go inside their omelets.

They didn’t speak again until everything was on the table and Maria had managed to drain half her cup. “I’m thinking today is a good day for Netflix. Try out that new heated blanket that your sister got us?”

It wouldn’t be as good as the heating pad for Eliza’s hip, but they were already treading water. Better to save heavier suggestions for when they’d both woken up and Eliza wasn’t as touchy. If that happened.

Sometimes- sometimes it didn’t.

Sometimes they both were walking wounds.

Maria could only hope that today wouldn’t be. That things would get better instead of worse.

“We were supposed to go to the farmer’s market today,” Eliza said, waving her fork in the air. “We need grapes. The good ones that taste like wine.”

“John will bring us some home.” Because no, they weren’t going out today. Not with waking up this early. No amount of coffee or energy drinks could prepare Maria for that. There were two potential outcomes and only two. Either Eliza would fall while they were out or Eliza would be in bed for the next two days, angry and hurting. “Maybe some ice cream too. Today feels like a good day for ice cream.”

One could draw a straight line from Eliza’s seat to the top of her head. Perfectly straight, muscles far too tense. Prepared for the fight. “I can handle it.”

“You willing to rent a chair?” Maria waited a beat, knew it was a fool’s hope that Eliza would fill it. “Didn’t think so.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

Being almost forty years old didn’t make that sound any less bratty. No matter how much Maria understood what it was like to feel limited. “Have you considered that it isn’t just about you? That maybe I don’t feel like going out today? That maybe I need to lay in bed all day and eat way too expensive honey ice cream because the thought of walking out that front door is exhausting? In a way that can’t just be blamed on the hour?”

Eliza cringed and Maria almost apologized for snapping.

Almost.

“Alex-”

Maria didn’t really want to hear about Eliza’s ex. “Alex babied you. He put you on a pedestal and treated you like a doll instead of a person. I know. But I’m not your ex-husband. You haven’t been married to him for five years. You’re married to me.”

“It just- I hate having to change my life for this.” Eliza rolled away from the table, half empty plate in her lap. Scraped the rest into the trash before balancing it on the counter next to the sink. Maria wasn’t foolish enough to think the back turned to her was anything less than intentional. “It isn’t fair-”

“It isn’t fair that I have flashbacks either. Or that all my vacation time gets slotted to handle traumaversaries because my bastard of an ex. But you don’t see me acting like you’re him.” That wasn’t fair either. Wasn’t fair to Eliza. Wasn’t fair to their relationship but it was four in the fucking morning. “I’m going to go have a smoke.”

Air. Maria needed air more than she needed smoke but something about the ash always felt like home. A nasty habit that she always thought she’d kicked until the next time an urge hit.

Besides. Smoke filled her and right now she just felt empty.

Snapping at Eliza like that accomplished nothing. Scratched at her frustration but didn’t make a meaningful difference- had the potential to cause more issues. The way scratching at a bug bite could draw blood.

Could leave a scar.

Maybe Maria needed to go back to weekly therapy sessions. She thought she’d been doing good, but clearly, her emotions were back at the forefront and in a dangerous way.

Carelessly she snuffed the cherry out on the porch and tossed the butt into the nearby flowerpot. Maria would clean up the mess later. Right now she needed to go inside. Try and apologize even though she didn’t yet feel like it.

Wasn’t that what therapy had taught her? To act in a way that future Maria would appreciate when she got depressed like this? 

Eliza had cleared her plate too by the time that Maria came back inside. Was nowhere to be found inside the kitchen or living room. Maria cringed, bracing for the sound of water running in the bathroom, knew Eliza liked to shower to relieve the stress, no matter how risky it could be.

But the bathroom door was open. No Eliza there, either.

“E-”

No need to finish calling out, Eliza was curled up on top of the bed, rolling chair next to the dresser.

Maria didn’t want to read into that. After all, it was early. Eliza could be planning to go back to bed and then go to the market later-

“You were talking about the Series of Unfortunate Events earlier, weren’t you?” Eliza looked as anxious and as exhausted as Maria felt. “Or did you already binge watch that?”

Maria’d already seen the first two episodes, but that was alright. She often found herself rewatching things, letting her brain catch more details with every repeat. “You sure-”

“Don’t you dare ask me if I’m sure. You aren’t allowed to question my bad decisions -and- my good ones.”

At least that was said with a slight smile on her face and Maria exhaled. “Sorry-”

“Shush.” Eliza shook her head, waving a hand to keep Maria quiet. “If you’re determined to apologize, you can do so by making hot chocolate. I couldn’t- I couldn’t bring myself to stand up to get the packets.”

That had probably been the shining light of awareness. If Eliza hadn’t been able to stand for a few seconds-

Even being stubborn, Eliza would have recognized that the market would be too much. 

At least something had gotten through to her, even if it wasn’t Maria.

While she was in the kitchen, Maria shot a quick text to John. Rolled her eyes when he responded that Marty could man the stand for a bit, he didn’t mind running a few things by the house once the prep work was done. 

There was no need for him to go out of his way, but considering the argument that had just happened, could she really say anything but thank you? Getting annoyed at someone putting in extra effort just seemed a bit hypocritical.

Besides, everyone knew that actually manning the stand was John’s least favorite part. Interactions with the public weren’t exactly his forte.

Maybe they could invite him to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate. Anything to give him an excuse to stay away for a little longer. After all, he deserved it for being such a good friend.

Maria returned to the bedroom, a couple of paper towels stuck in her back pocket just in case.

Stuffed herself under the covers on her side, pleased to note that Angelica’s gift had made it to Eliza’s. “Your wine grapes are on their way, though John said to remind you that they don’t taste like wine- wine tastes like them.”

“That’s such a ridiculous distinction.” Eliza nudged Maria’s shoulder before grabbing for the remote. “Tell him to stop being pretentious.”

Maria couldn’t help but grin at that, eyes on Eliza as her wife scrolled through Netflix looking for their show. “I’m sure he’d find that rich coming from you.”

Eliza huffed but didn’t defend herself from the accusation, instead, lighting up when she finally found it. Paused for a second, looking concerned and Maria braced herself-

“Can you scoot closer? I would do it, but-”

The anxiety slid away and Maria squirmed closer until she, too, was under the heated blanket. "How are you feeling?"

It was a risky move, asking so soon, but Eliza didn't tense. Just gave a half-hearted shrug. "Okay. Just okay."

Okay was better than the lie of fine and Maria would take it for the time being.

They would make this work. They always did.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I say I was done writing sad things?
> 
> #whoops. I swear I'mma try to write y'all something cute for V-day. If ya got any specific requests, I am Open to them.
> 
> Also, you may have noticed I'm writing less this year than I did last year. I'm currently in the process of starting a NPO and it is Exhausting and A Lot Of Work. I'm hoping once thing shave leveled out there that I'll be around more.


End file.
